The porn ultimatum
Nick Galvin
March 5, 2009
When Graham's adult daughter one day unearthed a
vast number of pornographic sites her dad had saved to his computer,
the effect
on the family was disastrous.
"She told her mum without speaking to dad first,"
recounts Robert,
a counsellor with Mens- line Australia.
"Mum was furious and went to dad and talked about betrayal and told him
he
was a pervert. The whole family had been turned upside down. There was
judgment
flying around all over the place and he rang in a state of real
distress. He was
thinking, 'There must be something wrong with me. I'm sick.' "
Graham's wife and daughter were questioning whether he
still loved them and
what else he was doing. Was he visiting prostitutes? Was he having
affairs?
The turmoil within the family and the self-loathing
Graham felt is hard to
overestimate.
"Two out of three times I find that it [porn use] is
generally a
symptom of something going on in the relationship," Robert says. "And
often one of the things going on is that they are not communicating
either in
the lounge room or the bedroom."
In Graham's case, the family decided to seek
counselling. But this story is
far from unusual. In fact, this scenario of a male partner being
"busted" and the catastrophic emotional fallout that ensues is
depressingly familiar to the telephone counsellors at Mensline Australia.
Last year, the service had a 34 per cent increase in
calls from men who felt
pornography was a problem in their relationship.
What's behind this increase is hard to pinpoint but
perhaps the likeliest -
and simplest - explanation is the growing ubiquity of porn.
Figures suggest up to 1000 new porn sites are created
every day in an
industry that is worth more than $US3 billion ($4.7 billion).
If you want porn, you will have no trouble finding it.
Whether your
preference is mainstream or belongs on the wilder side of sexuality,
there is
sure to be a site catering to your interest. And in recent years,
driven
largely by broadband and cheap, high-quality cameras, it will possibly
come in
video form.
It is this ready availability on computers and even
phones that is causing
problems for some men and their partners. The "barrier to entry" - an
embarrassing visit to a sex shop to buy a magazine or video - has all
but
disappeared.
When a man is discovered using porn there is typically
shock on both sides.
The woman is shocked by the discovery while the man is taken aback that
she
sees it as such a big deal.
Robert says one client was genuinely mystified by his
wife's reaction. In
fact, he thought he was actually doing the right thing to deal with his
need
for sex and her relative lack of interest.
"He didn't want to go and have an affair and he didn't
want to visit a
prostitute because for him that would be being disloyal," he says.
"But his partner thought his interest in pornography was being
disloyal."
Sociologist Dr Michael Flood, a specialist in men's
studies, says the woman
generally sees the issue as a matter of trust.
"There is a fair proportion of women who see their
partner's porn use
as an infidelity," he says. "Even when he is being honest about it,
some women find his porn use to be a kind of adultery. They feel they
are not
sexually attractive and they worry about their own bodies and feel
their
partner's porn use takes away from their intimacy and the quality of
their sex
lives."
Robert recounts a story about a woman who rang Mensline Australia
to
try and understand why her husband was spending so much time with
online porn.
"For her it was about betrayal," he says. "She was
saying,
'When we are making love, is he thinking about her or is he thinking
about me?
Is he wishing he was with someone else?' "
Feminist author Naomi Wolf believes that when men get
too accustomed to the
stylised, air-brushed, pornographic version of sex, "real" women
don't stand a chance.
"Today, real naked women are just bad porn," she writes
in an
essay in New York
magazine. "I'm not advocating a return to the days of hiding female
sexuality but I am noting that the power and charge of sex are
maintained when
there is some sacredness to it, when it is not on tap all the time."
For some men, porn becomes a drama because they worry it
is changing the way
they think about women.
"I think that a lot of heterosexual males are conscious
that the
material they are using isn't actually that nice or respectful towards
women," Flood says.
Tim* called Mensline Australia
in an agitated state because of his increasing use of porn. His wife
was
pregnant with their first child and sex between them was infrequent.
"It was starting to erode his sense of self-esteem and
he was starting
to worry about what he was as a husband and he was feeling guilty and
seedy," Mensline Australia's
Dr Nick Foster says.
After Tim calmed down and began talking about the
problem during counselling
sessions, the underlying cause of his anxiety was revealed. It turned
out he
had found his father's stash of porn when he was younger and was
terrified he
would end up like his dad.
In the end, Tim confessed all to his partner and
promised he would stop his
porn use.
"He wanted to feel that he was back in control of his
life,"
Foster says. "Like many potential problems, when you start to feel that
it
is running away from you, that is when it becomes a problem. The
trigger point
for him was that he knew he was lying to her and he knew that lie was
going to
become damaging. That's probably a good rule of thumb for people that
are
thinking about their use of porn."
Whether porn can become addictive is a hotly debated
topic. Porn and sex
"addiction" is a staple of many Christian groups who claim to be able
to free people from their habit, often using the 12-step model
pioneered by
Alcoholics Anonymous.
It's a concept that has been kicked along by a string of
high-profile
celebrities publicly confessing their sex and porn addiction and going
into
clinics to get "well" again.
But critics say viewing porn can't be compared to true
addictions, such as
drugs.
Sydney
therapist Ash Rehn (forwardtherapy .com) says the addiction concept is
not
helpful. "One of my concerns is not to use a disease model when I speak
to
people," he says. "When people are labelled as disordered or sick it
makes it very hard for them to move forward or develop a sense of
control."
* Names changed.
Mensline Australia
is a 24/7 support service for men. See menslineaus.org.au or phone 1300
789
978.
The good side of porn
But is it all bad? Many experts in the field - with the
notable exception of
the fundamentalist Christian lobby - believe it is possible for
pornography to
be part of a couple's healthy sex life. However, there are a lot of
pre-conditions for it to work - and it's certainly not for everybody.
"It needs to be open, honest and mutual use of porn
rather than
secretive," sociologist Michael Flood says. "Secondly, the material
needs to be as respectful and 'non-toxic' as it can be. There is plenty
of porn
out there that is really hostile to and callous towards women, treating
them
just as a series of orifices. For the men or women using that material
it has a
pretty toxic impact on their attitude towards sex, towards women and
towards
themselves."
Therapist Ash Rehn agrees porn may have a place for some
people. Some
clients have told him pornography has transformed their relationship by
making
it easier for partners to talk about their needs in bed.
"It depends how people approach it in relationships and
whether it is a
point of discussion or a point of secrecy," he says. "Sometimes in
therapeutic sessions with individuals and couples we can come to a new
understanding of the place of pornography in their relationship."
This article apeared
in The Sydney Morning Herald.
Anxiety about men's
use of erotica is a propblem for some women who feel insecure about
their relationship and men and women who believe sex and erotica is
sinful.
Studies show that
generally men are stimulated visually, whilst women are stimulated by
touching. This may be at the core of the differences in the way men and
women reacted to erotica.
Viewing erotica is not
a disease or addiction. Viewing erotica does not lead to illness
and madness like drug dependence does. However, any repetetive
behaviour can besome an obsession carried out compulsively causing distress.
Should this be the case with viewing erotica or any other compulsive
behaviour it can be treated by a clinical psychologist; but like
chocolate or chips, most people can decide when they have had enough.
Ed.
|
WINK